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The commandment to refrain from placing blame on our parents, deeply imprinted in us by our upbringing, skillfully performs the function of hiding essential truths from us.
Alice Miller
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Interpretation

What this quote means

This quote emphasizes the importance of recognizing the truth about our upbringing and the impact of parental influence on our lives.

Alice Miller's quote suggests that societal norms and directives, particularly the expectation to absolve our parents of blame, often prevent us from acknowledging deeper truths about our emotional and psychological development. By rejecting this commandment, we might uncover critical insights about our own identities, the roots of our behaviors, and the complexities of our relationships with those who raised us.

Themes

BlameParentsTruthUpbringingSelf-Awareness

In practice

Example use cases

In a therapy session discussing childhood issues.

More from Alice Miller

The only possible recourse a baby has when his screams are ignored is to repress his distress, which is tantamount to mutilating his soul, for the result is an interference with his ability to feel, to be aware, and to remember.
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The truth about childhood, as many of us have had to endure it, is inconceivable, scandalous, painful. Not uncommonly, it is monstrous. Invariably, it is repressed. To be confronted with this truth all at once and to try to integrate it into our consciousness, however ardently we may wish it, is clearly impossible.
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We don't yet know, above all, what the world might be like if children were to grow up without being subjected to humiliation, if parents would respect them and take them seriously as people.
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I have never known a patient to portray his parents more negatively than he actually experienced them in childhood but always more positively--because idealization of his parents was essential for his survival.
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It is not true that evil, destructiveness , and perversion inevitably form part of human existence, no matter how often this is maintained. But it is true that we are daily producing more evil and, with it, an ocean of suffering for millions that is absolutely avoidable. When one day the ignorance arising from childhood repression is eliminated and humanity has awakened, an end can be put to this production of evil.
Alice MillerRead
Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.
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